7 Obstacles That Can Stop Us From Asking For Help

How do you feel about asking for help?

Since 2014 one of my most popular posts was about why introverts and highly sensitive people might find it more challenging to ask for help when needed. I wrote it in response to a meme from the time…

I am an introvert and I might not go to anyone for help when I’m feeling down. I don’t want to burden others with my problems. But if you check on me and offer it, I may ask for your help.

Introverts Struggle in Asking for Help

The Story We Tell Ourselves About Asking For Help

Do you find it hard to ask for help? Do you get frustrated at yourself when you don’t seek support with things when you need it? You’re not alone. I don’t think this is exclusive to introverts and sensitive types, either. It’s a message we might have gently absorbed from different arenas of life.

Are you aware of where your resistance comes from? What might NOT asking for and receiving help from others prevent you from doing?

What Are We Asking For Support With?

I bet you have a particular image of what help means. Maybe it’s emotional help with your feelings or working out how to deal with a difficult situation. Perhaps you need practical support, asking for help doing something you can’t do alone. For example, you want to move the wardrobe to the other room, but it’s a two-person job. Or you might wish for help to explore, learn, and grow your skills in a particular area. And you know someone with the tools, knowledge, and resources to help.

Many “helpers” struggle to seek it from others. There is cognitive dissonance in how they judge themselves for needing support but love to offer and provide it to others. This might be a pattern with deep roots traced to their family role and way of feeling accepted, safe, and approved of growing up.

We internalise and carry messages with us early on that can impact our actions later in life. But we can work with and rewrite many of these scripts once we recognise them.

7 Obstacles That Stop Us from Asking For Help

1. Fear of Appearing Entitled

We might carry a scarcity mindset around help. We might fear that there isn’t enough to go around and that others deserve it more than us. Or we think we have no right to it due to our imperfections and inadequacies. If we were good enough, we wouldn’t need it.

2. Fear of Rejection

Maybe we’ve been taught to see asking for help as a weakness. We might fear being humiliated, ridiculed, or misunderstood by those we ask from.

Perhaps it opens a question of personal value. We might believe we are valuable if we’re helpful and lack value if we’re a burden (i.e. we need help). We learn not to be a burden by prioritising self-reliance and self-sufficiency. And this is where the cognitive dissonance of the helper who can’t ask for help comes from. We turn off the emotional energy flow, suppressing our core human needs.

3. Fear of Change

We might carry an unconscious fear that if we ask for help, it will change things. While we might not like it, we find comfort in safe and familiar outcomes. If we don’t ask for help, we don’t need to worry about unexpected changes (even desirable ones) happening.

4. Fear of Being a Burden

We might be afraid of asking for help from someone who has other things they would rather be doing. We feel guilty for imposing on their time, energy, and goodwill.

5. Fear of an Uncertain Transaction

We might be unsure of expectations and boundaries. What will the other person expect as a result of helping us? Are they keeping score? Will they send us an invoice? The fear of an awkward and uncomfortable situation can make us think we are safer to keep it to ourselves.

6. Fear of Losing Control of The Situation

If you’ve ever asked the wrong person for help or asked for help in the wrong way, this can take its toll. Some people see being asked for help as permission to take over. We might lose control of the situation if we don’t set clear expectations and specific parameters for support. And if you dislike conflict, this can lead to frustrating and awkward moments.

7. Fear of Energy Drain

One reason many introverts might resist asking for help is that it can take energy. All the above reasons take some organising and preparation. And without a clear picture of who we’re asking and what we’re asking for, it can feel easier not to ask.

Where Might You Ask For Help?

Can you think of a particular personal challenge or project that would be easier to approach with help? Specifically, what support do you need with it?

Where are some potential sources of support? Don’t limit yourself while answering this question. Think of as many people and places that could help as possible.

Based on the limiting scripts you’ve identified around asking for help, where would be the most straightforward and comfortable place to start? Be precise with your request and work with the other person to set specific expectations. This is about starting small and building your comfort level over time.


Being overly empathic means, you not only sense others’ emotions strongly but also take too much responsibility for easing their heavy and difficult emotional energies. This weighs you down and may make you feel like your empathic abilities are more of a burden than a gift.

Marika Vepsäläinen led a free workshop in The Haven where we looked at how over-empathy in adulthood often comes from survival strategies in childhood. And why we might find giving help more comfortable than receiving it. The replay is available here.

  1. Rejection, Control and Energy Drain are the points I relate to the most.

    1. I’m terrified that people won’t understand my problem and ridicule me or judge my efforts. I don’t have to deal with that alone.

    2. I value my autonomy very much. I like deciding my own life and wants. Having to justify every little thing or explain how a problem that messes with me in ways I barely understand, is a nightmare. A nightmare that triggers way too many opportunities for (1) to happen. I’m afraid that people will barge in and squeeze me for every dirty little secret I have.

    3. Worrying and making sure (1) and (2) doesn’t happen is very draining. And when I’m dealing with issues that already take every ounce of energy I have, it’s just impossible and unbearable. And it makes me feel extremely vulnerable. If I am mocked or rejected, I can’t defend myself. You’d snap me like a twig. That’s terrifying. As such, asking for help is a paradox. If I have the energy to ask for help, I can already deal with it myself and don’t need it. If I have a problem that I need help with, I don’t have the energy to ask.

    It’s just so terrible.

    1. Hey, thanks for your response. I hear the pain of all three of those points. It’s tough if we don’t have (m)any relationships where it feels safe to ask for help/be helped in genuinely helpful ways. Sometimes we also need shared space to explore the possibilities and figure out what we want to do next, rather than thinking we need everything figured out, have to accept someone else’s advice (sometimes we don’t need active assistance, just to feel a little less alone), or like we need to defend the ideas we have for what we might do next.

  2. I struggle to ask for help because I feel I am burdening some one else and academically I am struggling. Thank you so much for your article 😊

  3. Thx for this article. I would add that by asking for help, I’m letting people into my intimate space then I’m not comfortable answering their questions. Once you admit there is a problem, then people can bother you by continually asking about it. I don’t need that added pressure

    I’ve really pushed everyone away with my health anxiety. I just feel stuck.

    1. That’s so true, Tammy. I know exactly what you mean. When you admit you need support or help it becomes a lens through which people engage with you.

      I wonder if this is a case of establishing boundaries/expectations with people. Not easy though! “I just want you to be normal with me as I navigate this problem, when I need help with it I will ask, but the most helpful thing you can do is allow me to be confident in you”. Or establishing some kind of check-in process where you update on how things are in a quick email/call once a week or something. And then “if I don’t email by Friday you can follow up to make sure I’m OK, otherwise, I don’t want you to ask me about it unless I expressly invite questions”.

      Some people find a deep sense of purpose/purpose/identity in being the helper – this can lead to an imbalanced relationship. Boundaries help those relationships in the long run.

  4. I am just crying and crying, cos I have to ask my doctor for help, to admit that I need help, that
    I cannot cope.. my mother taught me to get on with life, my work bosses told me to sort things out for myself, even when I was in training!

    I am grieiving, 2 years since dh of 50 years died, I am elderly! yes! I just hurt so much to have to ask for help

    Pride? yes, I guess so.

    1. Hi Pauline, I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. It sounds like you’re making a really strong decision to admit and seek help. I did it a couple of years ago and had some counselling after a really tough time, and it made such a difference. I realised it wasn’t a sign of weakness or failure, but actually a tool that I was able to use as I pieced things together again.

      All the best with this next season. May it be one of growth and nurturing. Thanks for sharing. Take care, Andy.

  5. I feel so angry when I ask for help and am been turned down so I prefer not to ask at all. While growing up I was dependent on parents and was dashed when I really needed their help,so I grew up not wanting to ask anyone for anything because I don’t want to be refused… I prefer finding solution myself than asking,and when I ask and am been turned down severally or been told to wait for some extended period I find alternative. I just believe I can do it with or without anyone…

  6. I can relate to all of them. My problem, is that people who truly ‘want’ to help, normally want to help in a way beneficial to them..not me. Which usually creates more problems, not less. And, sounds horrible I know, but then I simply cannot get rid of the person. As an introvert, that causes more problems and makes me a VERY unhappy person. I have had a very difficult month, broke down and accepted help. Now, I have about 5-6 people stopping by my house daily, I NEED space! Anxiety is building, they see stress and come by more often! So, instead of a few days of surviving without help, I now have days upon days of insanity. And, let’s be real, as an introvert I don’t have the proper ‘social skills’ to know how to stop it😔

    1. Hi Elzek. Thanks for stopping by. Sorry I don’t quite understand your question. I wrote the article in terms of asking for help from people we know and trust, when we know we need it.

  7. I deal with a lot of undiagnosed depression and a person who is very judgemental. My room has gotten so messy that I’m not sure if I can deal with it on my own but I feel I have no choice since I know I will get into trouble for it even if I know myself that it isn’t my fault

    1. That sounds like a tough situation, Jenny. It’s horrible when it feels like things get out of control like that.

      What are the different parts of your room that you would need to tackle when it comes to getting it sorted out? Sometimes it’s when we see the big picture all at once that things feel overwhelming, but by breaking it up into smaller focus areas (a particular wardrobe, drawer, under the bed etc), and getting a clear picture of what would be a good result for each thing, it becomes a bit more manageable and easier to approach.

    2. Hi there! I understand exactly what you feel. When I go through periods of depression I don’t notice it right away until I look around and notice that everything around me has been neglected. I don’t know where to start or how to begin the process of cleaning or organizing. And even at times that cause even more depression and anxiety. I look at my plants and see how they’re starting to wither away. When I pass the mirror, I can see how empty I look and became. What hurts the most is having to eternalize everything. We have to pull our strength from deep within our core. It’s never easy, but just remember that this a moment that will pass <3

  8. This article was super helpful and I feel like I have experienced each reason listed to some extent. For me, it seemed like in the past I was rejected and sort of shamed when asking for help or if I was bothered by something when I was growing up.

    Something else that comes up for me is when I hear others complaining because someone asked them for help. I definitely don’t want to ask for help when I hear others complain.

  9. Hello, I suffer MDD, but it seems like the worse off I become and the more problems overwhelm me, the less I am able to ask for help. I believe this has become more of an issue nowadays as I reflect on mostly the fear of being judged and hurt more than I already am. I also have a couple of one-sided relationships and I don’t want to put someone else through that, though I would never INTEND to do such a thing. I usually accept the one-sided relationship because there’s usually a psychological reason for that to happen and I need to be as understanding and as helpful as I can be and try not to hurt that person’s feelings. Though I must admit, sometimes it gets to be a bit difficult, especially when that person is my olde sister… I, on the other hand, am never ever wanting to burden anyone with my troubles. I also have lately began to start mistrusting others with any information of mine. Then there is the issue of reciprocity or “keeping score.” I am not so much one to keep score. I generally love helping others and don’t care how many times I help or do things for others in need, without expecting payback. Yet, when I am down so deep that I am unable to do for the person who might help me or am unable to reciprocate (because many people do keep score) at that moment, I feel very uncomfortable. And even if I am able to do something to reciprocate at that moment, most of these people don’t need or want my help, which makes me feel like a useless piece of… (well, let’s go with) dirt. This was well explained in the second paragraph of #5. I believe (but maybe I am wrong) that Western society pushes its people to be independent and self-reliant. I grew up half Hispanic in a Western Anglo culture so I understand the need to be self-reliant, but then in the Hispanic culture, it’s different, but it also depends on where one lives. But I would agree that self–reliance to me, as an introverted person, means self–protective. That is key.
    So the less I depend on others for help, the less I feel weak and vulnerable. When I am so vulnerable that I cannot stand to be in so much pain or trouble anymore, I cannot risk asking for help. Or maybe it’s more like “damned if you do, damned if you don’t,’ please excuse my language. If I do ask for help, I am afraid of getting hurt or bothering others and if I don’t ask for help, something bad may happen to me or even someone else. There are other fears as well when asking help. What if I ask that my issue be confidential and then, after revealing it to someone, the confidentiality is broken. One might be scared that the news will travel in some way, whether it be through family, “friends,” the internet, or the police. I can think of a few times I have contemplated suicide but was afraid to tell family or even therapists for fear of being put in a psychiatric ward, especially since my older sister is a psychiatrist. Whenever I have had those kind of thoughts, I generally keep them to myself. Anyway no one wants to hear that you don’t want to live anymore. Actually that’s not exactly the case; it’s really more ironically, a cry for HELP. Furthermore, it could mean, “I don’t want to feel this PAIN anymore” or “I don’t want to experience THIS life anymore (i.e.”I want a different life”). Anyway, that’s the way I see it, but try to explain that to someone. The Introvert or suicidal introverted person will probably say, “Nahhh, forget it. Not worth the effort.” (which was the point made in #8).
    Thank you for this article. These are very good arguments and are well presented.
    I hope what I wrote was helpful, as my wish is to help others as much as I can, especially those who have trouble asking for help.

  10. Yes, I resonate with almost every point here. At a point, I thiught you were reading me like a book. Never knew I was even introverted, always thought I was ambiverted because I sometimes go out.

    1. 🙂 Yeah there are lots of misunderstandings about what it means to be an introvert. Introversion does not mean anti-social, or disliking people. I go out and love people (with exceptions!) But they (and lots of external stimulation) drain me, and I need to get back to solitude to recharge my batteries. Thanks for your comment!

  11. I I wont let myself act like my needy ex husband who lied for pity, acted self-entitle, used people and wastes everyones energy and time, then plays the victim.

  12. I am so very thankful that I found this article. At the time I found it, it was 2:00 am and I was in tears. (All my tears are shed when no one can see me.) I was desperately searching for why I can’t bring myself to ask for help even when I’m at the end of my mental rope. I am a full time nurse in a high stress job, homeschool two teens, care for a disabled husband, do volunteer work and have many people that rely on me, both family and friends. There are times that the demands on me become unbearable but I can’t tell anyone nor can I ask for help, for absolutely every reason you state here, 100%. It is the same reason I endured 10 years of domestic violence in my younger adult life and never told anyone. This year, I am making a strong determination to practice a greater degree of self care. This article helped me so much. It has given me a burst of hope. It has helped educate me on why I am the way I am, but even more so, to show me that I’m not unusual or weird. That people like me exist out there, lots of them. I have long felt guilty for being an introvert. Felt guilty for needing quiet time, for hating to answer my phone, for not being social. I am beginning to embrace how I am and, to be honest, I’m happy being an introvert. There’s nothing wrong with it. I will use these articles to educate those around me so that they understand that I was MADE this way, and while I may need help because I don’t know how to say no, I don’t need to be changed. Thank you so much.

  13. I really appreciate this article. I am an introvert (along with other difficulties) and as I think about this discussion, the word that comes to mind is vulnerability. Asking for help makes me feel vulnerable – which opens me up to many possible negative emotions and experiences. 3 1/2 years ago I reached out in desperation and started going to therapy, which has been a LIFE CHANGER for me. Vulnerability isn’t necessarily a bad thing….
    I have more confidence than ever, and I’m still working on asking for help and it will probably be a life long process. We don’t have to do it alone and one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that I am not alone. Although I felt so painfully alone for 38 years, I no longer feel that way. Many others feel the way I do and the more I talk about it with otters, the more I realize that we need to be open and receptive so we can learn and grow together. Two brains solving a problem together is always better than one, I always say.

  14. This is my problem , i have a cousin that i help where i can , i had to say No to living with me for awhile because i have a family but she had other options that she didnt like , sry at some point you are asking for to much and when you need somewhere to stay you cant be to picking about it . But i still feel guilty for saying NO, i shouldnt because i have to put my husband and child first . I see she has all these issues here but she will use this against me without saying it , beats around the bush about needing help and thinks people should just know or offer her . Asking for help you do have to humble yourself and ask !!! It comes to the point where you want help but do you think your to good to ask ??? I watch her help others instead of helping herself . So then in return i dont want to help her no more . Why should i help someone that doesnt want to help their self ??? Just dont understand they should know or offer attitude !!!

  15. I can relate to numbers 1,2,3,4,6 and 8. Even though I have never been told as far as I know to just get over it and that’s it’s not a big deal I have developed that mentality on my own from looking at the situations of other people be it real life or fictional. I am the oldest of three kids with a dad who works, a mom who cand do much physically and is dealing with her own problems and homeschooling my brothers and a grandma who has cancer most of them look up to me and sort of depend on me for various reasons and because of that i feel the need to not be seen as having any issues. Also for that reason I don’t want to feel like another burden to add to their list of problems. Also I have been dealing with something that happened to me when I was thirteen that is affecting me more and more every day and it’s making me depressed and I feel so ashamed and guilty for it that I’m scared of being rejected and judged so I have never told anyone. It’s also causing the other reasons I mentioned like not having it as bad as other people to rain down hell on me on top of not wanting to lose control of the situation. I fucking hate it. It’s a constant war in my head going back and forth from “it’s something serious that needs to be dealt with” and “it’s nothing and to stop exaggerating”.

  16. I can relate to SO many of these! I’m terrified to ask people for help, especially in a financial sense!

    For me, fear of judgment is yet another reason why I’m so reluctant to even reach out for help — even though having a disabled husband has often pushed me to the edge of that comfort zone and has forced me to ask for help. Nobody has outright criticized me, but I can imagine people I know saying things like, “If only she would go back to full time work, she’d be FINE financially!” Or even worse, “Maybe she should have thought twice about having kids!” Certainly, I have seem the judgmental types out there before, who assume that money is the only thing young children need in childhood (which is far from truth… and I think I do a really amazing job with my two kids by just being their mom). The other thing is that I often get frustrated when I see others care less for me than I do about them. Being a HSP is almost in a sense a disadvantage in that your expectations for others are raised a bit higher than they ought to be. I’ve learned I can’t take everything so seriously and that most people are not going to be as compassionate as I am, based on personality factors alone.

    The feelings of embarrassment don’t go away even when people actually do help me. I also tend to be more “afraid” of those kind-hearted souls who took time to help me. I find myself questioning their motives. I suddenly become even more distrustful. Which is nutty, because sometimes people just want to help out of kindness and compassion very much the same way I like to help people.

    1. Thanks Christina for sharing this. I can imagine that must be hard, and can see exactly how you hear those judgements in your mind. It’s difficult when our imaginations work against us like that. It only takes little comments from people to establish those little seeds of doubt in your mind.

  17. I can relate to all of these pretty well equally.

    1) When people tell me “others have it worse” or “life is so good, I just can’t see why you don’t see that” among other responses it makes me feel like no one understands or even wants to understand so why bother asking for help and sharing my feelings?

    2) I have been rejected so many times asking for help that that’s all I see. It’s hard to focus on the times people say yes because my brain is so trained toward the negative so I usually think “what’s the point?” (I’m working on changing that).

    3) I have felt used many times before, but I don’t ever really bring it up to those individuals because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I also don’t like conflict so it’s easier to say yes than it is to say no.

    4) I always feel like if I ask for help I’m burdening someone else when they have their own problems, so I just try to figure it out.

    5) I’m afraid to ask for favors sometimes because depending on the person they will want something in return and it may not be equal to what they’ve given. I don’t like owing people either, so having someone say they don’t want anything makes me feel worse for asking for help in the first place.

    6) I’m not a controlling person, but those few things I have control over are ALL I have, so I don’t want to lose that. I also don’t always feel that others will do things right or maybe even that they’ll do them better and make me feel incompetent.

    7) I feel that I should be strong and that I should be able to do everything myself because I have seen others do the same or more and not complain about it.

    8) By having to answer questions I believe that I’m giving the other person fuel against me in the future. If I let them in, they may decide to turn against me and then I will feel shunned and unable to fit in (which I already feel like I don’t belong anywhere).

    These points are all so true. Because I’ve been hurt many times in the past I’m too afraid to open myself up in the present and future because the more I get hurt the worse I feel about myself, and since I already feel pretty lousy and have low self-esteem I figure it’s easier to bottle it all up than ask for help and risk rejection.

  18. I jave just gone through a tereible nigjt at the hospital with my daughter and i felt so alone,unable to ask for help for about all the reasons you wrote here above.good to know i am not the only one and i want to read the book.

    1. Hi Marina, so sorry to hear that you were in hospital with your daughter. I hope everything is OK. It certainly can be a lonely thing when we feel unable to ask for help. I hope you manage to find some in the future.

  19. Numbers 1,4 & 8 are the most relatable to me! Another reason I’m reluctant to ask for help is because for some reason, I feel like people wouldn’t care about my problems. I keep thinking that they would just give me the quickest answer they can think of so I won’t ask anymore. I’m sure it’s all in my head because people I meet are always nicer than I think, but I still can’t stop thinking this way.

    1. Great to hear from you Stephanie! Yeah that’s definitely an understandable one – it relates to the fear of being a burden. And you’re right, most people are nicer than you expect. I’ve found that. Not always, but many people care more than I would ever expect them to. None of these mindsets have easy fixes – they take time!

  20. I go for #4 (burden) and #7 (self-reliance). I arrived at this article because I’m trying to find out why I can’t bring myself to ask people for letters of recommendation.

    I can think of another reason: 9. Past outcomes of asking for help were bad.

    I’ve asked for help, only to be insulted by that person.
    I’ve been promised help, but the other person never delivered.
    I’ve received help, but it was unsatisfactory.

    Here’s an example from yesterday. I’m trying to write a computer program that uses tools published by another programmer. The toolkit they publish has detailed instructions about setting up your program to implement their tools, and an example program.

    I followed the instructions, but could not get the program to work, so I asked the other programmer for help. He suggested I just use the example program as a starting point. I resisted the urge to reply, “Why the (expletive) do you publish the instructions if you admit they don’t work?!?!”

    Examples like this show you why I beat my brains out to figure out my own problems.

    1. Hi Mack,

      Yes that is a very good point. The impact of previous experiences can make it difficult to ask for help and I think we can be even more susceptible to feeling let down or annoyed when the help we need has been met with those responses: insults, a lack of delivery, or a lack of quality. Suddenly it becomes a huge risk for all kinds of reasons.

      I’ve had a very similar experience trying to use a wordpress plugin. I emailed the developer asking for help with an obvious problem and they replied very defensively with no help at all. When that happens I have the same reaction – I just think ‘well I’ll work it out myself then’. It just takes a lot longer than if I were to get effective help. I guess there is something of a need for reassurance that the help is going to be worth it.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  21. I go for 1 and 8 too. I do feel that a lot of people make too much of simple problems when really they are just being extrovert – sharing because that is what they do and how they get energy. Because I inwardly hate this I am reluctant to do it when I need help.

    But being self-reliant as an energy-saving thing is why it is easier for us to search a shop for our needed item before asking for help.

    Funnily enough I am now so well known as the parish priest at my local supermarket that I am getting better at asking for help because I don’t have to start any new relationships to do it. I see someone on the staff I know – Gina, Jane, Richard or Barabara – and know that asking them will not be draining.

    But I do find it more draining, for instance, to complain than to eat a badly cooked meal. So even if the meal is replaced I will remember a bad experience not a good one.

    Good post.

    1. I feel like I shouldn’t need to ask anyone for help.
      Most often I feel for some reason I don’t deserve help, I’m not worthy of it

  22. I can relate to this so much! Especially #s 1, 3 and 8. A
    different take on # 1 that I have is that instead of being told that I need to
    get over it, I feel that my introvert thinking powers allow me to consider
    several sides to the situation which means I often tell myself things aren’t
    that bad because I can think of other potential situations that are worse.
    Instead of this making me feel better (like how you can feel better when you
    focus on what you’re grateful for) it makes me feel bad about myself and even
    less likely to reach out.

    To your list of 8, I would add anticipating that you won’t
    get what you want or need by reaching out to another person given past
    experiences. Being a good listener, which many introverts are, often puts you
    in the position of being that person people lean on. Sometimes I don’t reach
    out because in the past when I have, expecting the same level of listening and
    care that I give, I would get either silence or “Don’t worry so much” and end
    up feeling worse off. To avoid this, I would tend to just try to help myself
    out of it through reading helpful books or writing in my journal. Thankfully
    this is happening less and less as I am learning how to nurture relationships
    with people who understand introversion, but I did struggle with not having
    those relationships for a while.

    1. Thanks Varonica! I love your take on #1 – it’s very true. I get that so much. It used to really paralyse me from taking action. Really interesting observation!

      And yes your additional point is also apt. It can be hard when you become someone that others lean on and you have to ‘manage’ your relationships. I don’t know about you but saying no is something I find hard. I’m also not very good at instigating social situations with people I like hanging out with. So it can get very de-energising. I guess it’s about finding some kind of balance because actually writing, reading, and thinking CAN be very helpful and may be what you need, but this should happen in conjunction with those relationships. Nail on the head when you say that these relationships should be with people who get you, and understand your introversion.

      Thanks so much for this contribution, Varonica. You’ve really got me thinking 🙂

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